2 Years

I find myself wanting to talk about the last two years. I would be doing this on my blog but unfortunately I have a computer virus that is messing with the websites I am allowed to access. It tells me I am not allowed to go to my blog because it is insecure. So whatever, retarded viruses. But anywho. . .

The last two years. It sounds like I just got done with a mission; which in some ways is true. I guess the last two years was a mission to find myself and to figure out what I believe and what I want. I also guess that it is still going on.

For those of you that are completely at a loss to know what I am talking about, it has been two years since I broke up with Matt, my now ex-fiancée. The 23rd was the day I broke it off and the 24th was the original marriage date.

So what have I learned? I learned that the church is way more important to me than I ever would have guessed. I learned that as much as I would like to be like the rest of my friends and be married I am willing to wait for a person who is worth waiting for; even if it is one of the hardest things I have had to face thus far in my life. I learned that it is okay to be single and I learned that most people don't agree with that. I learned that there are a lot of jerks and sociopaths just waiting to hurt you. I finally learned to stop villainizing the people that hurt me. After all the things I learned about forgiveness before Matt, I still learned more. I learned that sometimes forgiveness can tear open long closed scars and make them ache more than when the wound was fresh. I learned that I am a very unique person. I learned that some people just choose to hate you for no reason. I learned that you either need to accept people for who they are and not try to force change upon them or just leave. I learned that I am beautiful in many ways but not in the society's eyes. I learned that I am not built to live with a female roommate. I learned that I need a place to escape to. I learned that there is nothing wrong with crying, well sometimes. I learned that some days I physically ache to have a child, some day I will, but not today. I learned of the depravity of man, more than I already knew. I learned people can improve. I learned that love can only take you so far, sorry James. I learned that some people want to spite you for the fun of it. I learned that others will do much to help, even when they don't know you. I learned that there is almost no better feeling than having a child care about you. I learned that God loves me, even if I forget it sometimes. I learned that I can feel His arms around me sometimes.

One of the worst things I have learned is . . . that I still miss Matt. I miss playing games all the time and having someone to hug me when I need to cry. I miss having "that person". You know the one. The one you do everything with. The one you can't stand not being near.

One of the best things I have learned is . . . that "that person" is somewhere thinking of me right now, even if he has no idea who I am yet. I am somebody's "that person", or at least I will me. Cheesy I know but it is true. Hopefully I won't have to wait another two years to find him.

So did I learn what I want? I want someone who will love me no matter what. I want someone who will stand by me in hard times. I want someone who will still be going to church with me after 50 years of marriage. I want someone who knows what his priesthood is and how amazing it is to have it. I want someone worthy to and able to give me a blessing. I want someone worthy to take me to the temple and willing to do it often. I want someone who loves kids. Who will work hard to do everything in his power to make me happy, so that I can work hard to make him happy. I want someone who loves to play games, or is at least willing to learn. I want someone who loves and respects his mom, because it means he will love and respect me. I want someone who will try, it does not matter if they fail as long as they try. I want someone who is happy to be with me. Is this too much to ask for? I have a lot of wants, but many are really needs. And most I won't bend on, specifically dealing with the church, I can let a love of games go, but being worthy is non-negotiable.

Lastly, who am I? This is a little harder to figure out. I am a daughter of God. I am unique. I have an opinion about everything and am not afraid to share it. I care about others. I am loud. I am scared to be alone. I am scared of being outside at night by myself. No matter how many self defense classes I take, I will most likely never stop being afraid of being assaulted. Most importantly, I learned that I am loved: by God, by my friends, by my family.

The last two years have not been easy, but they have been worth it. I am happy that I did not marry Matt. I am happy that I have accomplished the things I have. We will see what the next two bring.

It is all fun and games until someone gets hit in the head with a shoe

So work is getting stressful. It feels like my boss never give positive comments to anyone and it is really getting all of the staffs' morale down. We also are very stressed out do to the environment on the unit. Almost none of the kids follow directions. The last few days we have had kids in and out of seclusions all day. We have two 1:1s and one 2:1. It is getting ridiculous. The other kids get no attention because we just don't have the staff to do things. It is getting harder and harder to feel excited about going to work. If my boss walks on the unit all of us hold our breaths until he is gone. I always feel like I am doing something wrong thanks to one of the nurses. But whatever, a job is a job. I am happy to have one.

We will see what happens with Grad School. I have to wait until the end of April to know anything. Part of me does not want to go yet. I want to work longer. But the longer I wait the harder it will be.

I feel as though I have no life outside of work. I spend time with my friends on my days off, but rarely do I do more than sleep and work on the days that I have to go in. I am seriously depressed some days. After Brian screwed everything up I just can't seem to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how I can start trusting people again.

Well like I said. It is all fun and games until someone gets hit in the head with a shoe. I took down three kids today. One of them hit me in the head with a shoe. So there you have it.

What is death?

So I found out about a week and a half ago that my little sister has decided that when she moves out of my parents' house next year she wants nothing to do with the LDS church. I was and am very distraught by this news. But worse was yet to come.

You see I already have two family members that are, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about the church. My oldest brother stopped going to church when he was a teenager. My father believes in some aspects of the church but he does not believe in the actual organization of the church.

I found out the worst part of the situation today. I was at my parents' house and I asked her why she did not want anything to do with the church. She never gave me an answer but she did tell me that she is having her name removed from the records of the church. I almost broke down in tears right then. I managed to make it to my twin brother's room before I started crying. I asked him if he knew why. All he could tell me is that she did not agree with many of the doctrines of the church. He also told me that she does not understand the purpose for the atonement of Christ. She does not agree with the fact that someone else should suffer for her sins. She thinks that she should have to suffer.

I cry for her because she is so angry and unhappy. In the majority of cases when someone leaves the church they become an inactive member. They do not have their name removed from the records. It is as if they know that doing that will affect them, whether actually believe in the church or not. In the case of someone who has their name removed, they are generally very angry and unhappy. I would wish any but this.

I don't know what my sister believes anymore. She is no longer Christian. I don't even know if she believes in a God. For all I know she may be atheist.

I also found out that she does not love me and that she does not love anyone in my family. These are her words and not my extrapolations. I gave her a hug when I left and told her I loved her. She just looked at me. I asked her if she loved me too and all she did was continue to stare. Later she texted me telling me she does not love me and that she has never felt love for any member of our family. She told me that she felt it was wrong to feel love out of an obligation to a family member. To that I ask, is it wrong to someone out of an obligation to mankind? Is it wrong to love someone because they are a fellow person that needs to be cared for? I asked her what love meant to her and she could not tell me. She does not understand love because she has rejected the pure love of Christ.

I can no longer be associated with my little sister. She exudes a negative spirit that is crushing to be around. I cannot let it infect me as I have in the past. I love her so much and I will always pray for her. But I cannot be around her. I cannot be around someone who does not know how to love someone else. I cannot be around someone who claims to have never loved me. I cannot be around someone with the negativity she spreads.

She fell prey to something that many suffer from, including myself: The prideful thought that we must have proof. I was warned long ago that I could one day question myself out of believing that the church was true. That one day faith would no longer be enough for me. When I was younger I needed proof. I needed a perfect knowledge. Those days are no more. Sometimes I still wake up and ask myself why I believe, I tell myself it is because I have faith. Faith in the Lord, faith in Christ, faith in a 14 year old boy, and faith in the fact that God will never lead me astray. My little sister woke one morning and made the decision to no longer rely on faith.

I can truly empathize with Lehi after he saw the vision of the tree of life. He mourned for his lost sons. For Laman and Lemuel, because they willfully disregarded the knowledge and faith that they had to seek after other things. They willingly left the path to enter the great and spacious building. I cry for them. I cry for my sister.

My little sister died today. She made a willful decision to reject the truth that she knew. She could come back, but knowing my sister I know the chances are slim. I pray that one day she will return to the path.