When will it be?

So I am exceptionally happy and extremely depressed all at the same time. In a little over 4 months almost all of my friends will be married. All of my best friends will have gone off and gotten hitched. This is what makes me so happy. I cannot even begin to express the joy I feel for my friends who are already married and those who are soon to be such. I am excited and willing to help with wedding preparations.

I am also happy because my new job starts in a couple of weeks. I will definitely miss relaxing and having to do nothing all day but what can you do. One needs to eat, right? I will be working at the state mental hospital. Hopefully I am the kind of person who will enjoy it. I think I am, but I will not know for sure until I actually start working for them.

So with all of this happiness going on, what could possibly be sending me into a spiral of depression and general witchiness? The simple, and yet entirely cliche, answer is that I really miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I miss the hugs, kisses, and cuddling for sure. But more than that I miss the support. I miss having that one person to talk to and share my thoughts with. That person who will listen even if what I am saying is meaningless. It hurts to see all of my friends with someone. I don't hate any of them for it. I don't resent that they have what I want. I don't even covet it. But it just reminds me of what I no longer have and what I would do anything to get. I am just so very tired from watching others find someone and being supportive when secretly I want to go cry in my room. Especially when every time I try I always get the friend card played. I am fine with gaining friends but it is really getting old. It is just so very hard to watch it and hold back my emotions. I guess the one benefit of it is that I can now control my emotions much better. I can also almost entirely support myself emotionally. I guess I need someone to grow with. I can feel things starting to stagnate and I know that the only thing that can jumpstart it again is a relationship. Sure this can come from a friend, but with most of my friends are otherwise involved, my pickings are slim.

So Happy

So, my roommates have moved out. Finally. I am so happy that they are gone. I have never had a worse set of roommate. They all decided that they hated me for no reason. So whenever I would ask for something I was shot down in the worst way. But whatever. They are gone now. And I have amazing new roommates. One is my best friend Miriam. The other is the amazingly awesome Lindsay. I am happy that Janelle did not get the chance to poison her against me just to spite me. Lindsay rocks and I am so happy that she is one of my roommates for the summer.

I am now officially graduated. I walked last week. It is a little weird to know that I will not be going to classes anytime soon. But at the same time it is awesome. I am officially on my own. My parents cut the cord as I expected them to as soon as I graduated. But as a nice parting gift my dad is going to buy me a pistol for graduating. I haven't decided what kind yet. We shall see. I am way excited to get one though.

On a different note. I am still on the look out for a guy. Sure most girls are not going to admit that they are on the hunt. But I am not most girls. I also am not necessarily looking for a super serious relationship. I would settle for a date right now. Heck, I would settle for a cuddle session. The physical and emotional comfort is what I miss most. I don't know when another guy will come along. I don't feel desperate. It is just that I feel strange being the only single girl in my immediate circle of friends. Most of my friends are either married, engaged, almost engaged, or in a relationship. Few of them are single. And the few that are single are all guys. Oh well. Life goes on and something/someone will come along eventually. Until then it is work and who knows what.

Love you all, and am much happier

-Jez

The Last Straw

I know that I said I was turning over a happier leaf, but the reality is that there is nothing interesting to write about if it is all sunshine and rainbows. And the fact of the matter is that no one care enough about me to even read my blog anyway, so what does it matter if I am mean. Also today was the last straw. It seems so contradictory for me to both love and absolutely hate the people I live with. But I do. I cannot even take it anymore. I have tried to accommodate just about everything. I have compromised and the truth is I think that almost every person I live with is an extremely selfish person that has no idea on this Earth how to actually think of someone else's needs.

I pulled an "all nighter" last night to finish a paper. I was up until 3 in the morning. I decided so as to not wake up my roommate I would be considerate and sleep on the couch, thinking anyone that wakes up early will notice me and be quiet. You think I would have learned by now that this never happens because my roommate only care if they want to be asleep or awake. If they want to stay up then they reserve the right to be as loud as they want not matter what ungodly hour it is. Then if they want to go to sleep then heaven forbid me or anyone else to be loud. If I use the same thing they get pissed off at me. So much for equality and loving others right. Well an hour after I go to bed, 4AM. I am woken up by a roommate that for some reason feels the urge to get up at 4 despite the fact that they went to bed like 4 hours before hand. This roommate then proceeds to shake a bag for 15 minutes and then to eat a bowl of cereal for 45minutes as loudly as they possibly can. Then before going back to their room they decide to bang around the kitchen. I being a complete idiot for trying to be nice and not make them feel bad for waking me up just sit there and try to appear asleep. Once they leave I get up and decide to shower, because at least I can sleep in there. But no as soon I get in the shower this same roommate decides to either turn on their shower, despite the fact that they always shower in the evening, or to turn on the dish washer. This instantly turns my shower ice cold.

Now it is almost 6 in the AM and I only got one hour of sleep. I am sick of this. I am sick of feeling like the only things my roommates care about that is connected to me is my TV and my N64. I am just done with it. I am done with thinking about them and doing the considerate thing. I really don't care if for some reason one of them reads this and is hurt because at least I am doing something they never do. I am thinking about what their reaction is going to be. I am not just obliviously writing this. I know they will be hurt and I really don't care anymore.