When no one is on the other side. . .

I have found that my group of friends is becoming polarized. On one side there are those who always hang out together and on the other there is a similar group. Now they are all friends, but they don;t seem to want to do things together. I find it hard to be in the middle because I want to be friends with both sides and I want to spend time with both sides, but sadly Albert Einstein is dead and I have no idea how to be in two places at once. So I have a predicament. What do I do? How am I to join these two groups together? I have found no answer, and because of this I can figure out nothing which I can do.

There is yet another polarization. In one group, which is by far the largest, are those who are married and those who are in relationships. One the other side, which includes me, are the single people. Right now the count is more than 10 to about 5. The problem lies in the fact that I have no one and they are never around. I find it awkward to do things with couples when I am the only single person. Yesterday I was at Halloween Party and I was the only sigle person among five other couples. I now sit here alone blogging and watching a movie, because eveyone else is out of town or with someone whom to which they wish not to add a third wheel. So what am I to do? I have found no one of interest who finds interest in me. I feel like crying, and I don't know why, and I have no one to hold me in the mean while. I have guy friends and every time I see them I want a hug, but feel wrong doing so, so I don't ask.

Instead I sit here spilling my heart out to people who do not exist in my reality, nor do they probably care. I meet people who seem like they may have some interest, but how do I know for sure. Because they never act. Do they want me to act first? Are they truely not interested? Are they shy? What do they mean? In time all things shall be known; however, I find that I have increasingly asked for time to jump. Is asking God for something I truely feel is right and what He would want for me a bad thing? It is a sin? Am I asking the wrong question? Or for the wrong thing? I have tried so very hard to do what God would have me do. I know that I will be and am blessed, but sometime I feel as if He asks too much of me. My heart was not broken, it was obliterated, I feel nothing but pain anymore. I have finally forgiven him for what he did, and there are times that I want to hate him, but I find that I cannot discover those feelings anymore. I want to hate him, but I cannot. Now I have no one to hate.

So I just feel anger, sadness, and depression over things I have no control over and over things I have not yet found out. Thus the source of my pain is discovered. I don't know where it is coming from I just know that I would give anything for it to stop. Maybe I need a rebound, maybe I need a husband, all I know, in the words of one of my now married best friends, I need a man. If only to hold me for but a minute.

Love,
Jez