Where?

So where is it? Could someone please tell me? Where the hell is it and why can't I find it? If this were paper and the ink, it probably would not be readable through the tears. I have found that I have no place. I fit no where. I have tried and my puzzle piece does not fit in the world I live in. I am a stranger looking in. You know those old stories where they have that one kid looking through the window while all the other kids are having fun at someone's birthday party? Well I am the kid on the outside looking in.

Don't get me wrong I have friends, quite a few actually. They care about me, I know that. But the reality is I still don't feel like I fit. Apparently I have no one to relate too. As hard as I try I just can not get along with people. Even when I don't do anything upsetting. I don't fit.

For once I was looking forward to sharing a room. Generally your roommate and you tend to get along and you become friends. Well that has never happened with me. My first roommate used me as an excuse to get out of the dorms, basically saying I was psychotic. So I left the apartment because the other roommates didn't look at me the same. The next roommate and I were cordial, but no connect. Then I had a single room and I watched through the window as my other roommates in the shared room became best friends, one was already my friend. Then I move in with my best friend and now we hardly speak to each other. We are still friends, but things changed that year, and now it feels like she hates me half of the time. Then it wass back to the single room. My two other roommates were already best friends and I did not really mesh all that well. They don't return my calls anymore, but really almost no one does anymore. Now I am in an apartment, in a shared room all to myself. It was nice at first, but not so much anymore. At least one of my roommates hates me for it. Did I ask for it? No. Did I plan it? No. I just never got a roommate. Two are sisters, needless to say they stick together. The other two became fast friends. Which leaves me. I have no one, and I have no place in my own apartment. I can't spend the time at friends' because they are either busy with their spouses or out with their special someones, or see me way too often and I don't really want to make them hate me for being around.

So instead I spend time on campus, in class, at the library, or locked in my room. I have tried to bond with my roommates, but I do not know what I can do. My bishop challenged me to do something, but I don't see anything good coming from it. Will they not hate me. The only thing I am good for in my own apartment is providing a tv, a dvd player, and an N64 to play with. They won't even play it with me.

I don't fit. I am in the wrong puzzle and have no where else to go. Is it time to cut strings? No, I love my friends even if I am not part of their picture. Maybe if you hit me hard enough I will fit.

Love,
Jez