What is death?

So I found out about a week and a half ago that my little sister has decided that when she moves out of my parents' house next year she wants nothing to do with the LDS church. I was and am very distraught by this news. But worse was yet to come.

You see I already have two family members that are, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about the church. My oldest brother stopped going to church when he was a teenager. My father believes in some aspects of the church but he does not believe in the actual organization of the church.

I found out the worst part of the situation today. I was at my parents' house and I asked her why she did not want anything to do with the church. She never gave me an answer but she did tell me that she is having her name removed from the records of the church. I almost broke down in tears right then. I managed to make it to my twin brother's room before I started crying. I asked him if he knew why. All he could tell me is that she did not agree with many of the doctrines of the church. He also told me that she does not understand the purpose for the atonement of Christ. She does not agree with the fact that someone else should suffer for her sins. She thinks that she should have to suffer.

I cry for her because she is so angry and unhappy. In the majority of cases when someone leaves the church they become an inactive member. They do not have their name removed from the records. It is as if they know that doing that will affect them, whether actually believe in the church or not. In the case of someone who has their name removed, they are generally very angry and unhappy. I would wish any but this.

I don't know what my sister believes anymore. She is no longer Christian. I don't even know if she believes in a God. For all I know she may be atheist.

I also found out that she does not love me and that she does not love anyone in my family. These are her words and not my extrapolations. I gave her a hug when I left and told her I loved her. She just looked at me. I asked her if she loved me too and all she did was continue to stare. Later she texted me telling me she does not love me and that she has never felt love for any member of our family. She told me that she felt it was wrong to feel love out of an obligation to a family member. To that I ask, is it wrong to someone out of an obligation to mankind? Is it wrong to love someone because they are a fellow person that needs to be cared for? I asked her what love meant to her and she could not tell me. She does not understand love because she has rejected the pure love of Christ.

I can no longer be associated with my little sister. She exudes a negative spirit that is crushing to be around. I cannot let it infect me as I have in the past. I love her so much and I will always pray for her. But I cannot be around her. I cannot be around someone who does not know how to love someone else. I cannot be around someone who claims to have never loved me. I cannot be around someone with the negativity she spreads.

She fell prey to something that many suffer from, including myself: The prideful thought that we must have proof. I was warned long ago that I could one day question myself out of believing that the church was true. That one day faith would no longer be enough for me. When I was younger I needed proof. I needed a perfect knowledge. Those days are no more. Sometimes I still wake up and ask myself why I believe, I tell myself it is because I have faith. Faith in the Lord, faith in Christ, faith in a 14 year old boy, and faith in the fact that God will never lead me astray. My little sister woke one morning and made the decision to no longer rely on faith.

I can truly empathize with Lehi after he saw the vision of the tree of life. He mourned for his lost sons. For Laman and Lemuel, because they willfully disregarded the knowledge and faith that they had to seek after other things. They willingly left the path to enter the great and spacious building. I cry for them. I cry for my sister.

My little sister died today. She made a willful decision to reject the truth that she knew. She could come back, but knowing my sister I know the chances are slim. I pray that one day she will return to the path.

Hiatus

So I have decided that I spend way too much time my computer. And it does not matter what I am doing. But, I have believe that this time spent in virtual space is detrimental to my well being. Thus, I am taking a hiatus from computers. Mean I will not turn on my laptop for two weeks. Neither will I use my roommates' laptops or my friends' computers. The only exception is when I have to do charting for work and check my work email, as that is exceptionally important for me keeping my job. Everything else, on the other hand is not, so I will ne saying good by to virtual world for two weeks starting tonight at 11:59PM.

Love you all,
Sarah

Sometimes Life is Hard. . .

Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently. There are times I wish I were born in a completely different family with completely different values. I think that life would have been a lot easier if I did not have to face all of the temptations that I do. If I did not believe the things that I do. At time like this, I mentally smack myself across the face and say "of course life would have been easier, but would it have been worth it?" The answer to that question is no. If I was not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints then life would have been worth it. Sure it would be easier to not have to worry about some of the temptation I face in my life, but It definitely would not have been worth giving up what I already have. I have amazing friends who love me and want the best for me. I have a family, that may be a little screwed up, but they love me too. I have so many blessings from the Lord that I cannot even begin to count them. I love life, I love my friends and my family, and I love the Lord. I knew that life was going to be hard before I was born.

In my Repentance, Atonement, and Forgiveness institute class we were given a quote that the Prophet Joseph Smith said. In short he said that in the pre-existence Christ was set apart for his calling on this earth by the hands of the Father while his heavenly mother looked on. The point of the quote was to show us that we have a heavenly mother. But I took more from it. Christ was set apart for this calling! He chose it! He knew what he would have to face if he came to this earth to be the savior to the world.

I think that we all made a similar choice. I think that we all knew what could happen to us in this life. I think I knew the hardships I would face before I got here. I know that the Lord knew I could make it through all of the trials I would face; otherwise, he would not have sent me here to this family. I have been through a lot in my short twenty-one years on this earth, but I know I have more to come. I just pray that I will be able to make it through and remain valiant so that I might stand at the foot of my Lord and be accepted by him once again. Every time I fall I will pick myself back up and repent. I will work harder every day to be the best that I can be.

Pray for me please.

-Sarah