Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Finding the inner peace. . .

When a big shock happens emotions can get tangled up with you not know truly how you feel about it. Take 9/11 for example. When watching the towers burn most people just felt shock; their other emotions fade to the background for an indeterminate amount of time. Then a few minutes, hours, days, or weeks pass by and BOOM!!! Your true feelings hit the pavement and they may not always be what you expect.

On a completely unrelated note that will soon become related. I have come to find that people in Utah have to tolerance for people that think differently than them. They find them strange, evil, weird, scary. But I have also come to find with myself and from others that I happen to be an extremely accepting person. As to why this is the case and how I found this out, I will leave that for a different day.

But now to link to two together. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints the rest of my family were members. Emphasis on the word "were". A few months ago when visiting my brother and sister-in-law with my parents everything came shoving past into the sunlight. Now this was nothing new to me or my brother. This had actually been needing to happen for a long time. It had become the elephant in the room that no one was willing to talk about. We all just stared at the stupid thing waiting for it to tell us what was going on. Well it finally spoke.

During a gospel discussion my Dad started to stray towards more outlying beliefs. He then says, "I pretty much believe that the LDS Church is apostate." Hold the phone. This cannot be the same Dad you taught me about tithing. The same Dad that said "I am not going to force you to go to mutual, but as long as you live in my house you are going to go."(In a very deep fatherly like tone) The same Dad that made me spit out my gum before going to church on fast Sunday. This Dad that is telling me that he and my Mom are leaving the Church. This just could not be that Dad. Okay so my reponse was not quite that dramatic. I did say that I had known about this for a long time. But knowing and hearing are two separate things.

It is one thing to have suspicions from years of conversations with Dad. And it is one thing to hear it from my baby sister and twin brother. But it is entirely different to hear your Dad, your hero, say it. At that point I stopped participating in the conversation and started preparing for when the lightning struck. A little while after that I moved to another room with my sister-in-law where I could still hear but then we would talk about it.

So what does this all have to do with shock and emotions. When this all went down I was conflicted. That is what I told my friends. I felt relieved that the elephant had finally said it's piece. I was happy that my Dad and Mom were no longer hiding. I was sad because now my parents will not get to see me married, when that happens. I was sad because I know the truthfulness of the gospel and it seems that my parents have forgotten. But I knew deep down that those were the feelings that come from shock. I have been trying for months to figure out how I feel. I finally figured it out. . .


I feel angry.

I feel really really angry.

I feel angry because this was hidden from me for so long by my parents. I feel angry that my Mom would even dare to think that I would disown her and my Dad when I "found out", because once again I already knew. For the first time in my life I can truly understand what it means to be disillusioned and I am angry about it. And I am angry that the elephant's cousin has come to visit. Because now that it is out there no one TALKS about it!

So now I need time. Time away from my parents so I don't just start yelling at them. Because even if I can accept what they believe now, I cannot accept being lied to and being deceived for much of my life. I cannot accept that just when I was beginning to form a real relationship with my parents they go and build this ginormous wall between us with little men on top with machine guns saying do not cross. So I am angry. And I really want to find that inner peace. I don't know how long it will take or where it is hidden, but I suspect is that the elephant's cousin is sitting on it and there is only one way to make him move.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dice, Dice, Dice and More Dice.

So I just want to get it out there that I am a nerd. I love to play games, both board and video. I love playing Magic. I love movies. I love music. I love musicals. I love reading. I love cooking. I love arts and crafts. But right now what I love most of all is RPGs. My friends Chris, Miriam, Sam, and Karen and I have two RPGs going at the moment. They are both Star Wars themed. I would love to try a D&D one if anyone has a campaign I can join. The first one is live. We get together about everyother Saturday morning and play. I love it. The second one we play via the internet. It takes forever to play this one but I am starting to like it a lot. I am a true nerd. And I love being one. Now if I could only find someone to be one with me. . .

It has been a while. . .

So I am officially a merited employee for the state of Utah. But a lot of good that does me when I would rather be in graduate school. Currently I feel stuck in my life. I enjoy working at the hospital but I want to do more. I want to help more. I feel so restricted in trying to help. I feel like I am incompetent and con not do my job. Sure I am an awesome tech when it comes to doing groups and to charting and whatever else. But sometimes I feel like I can't do the job I came here to do.

Oh well. As for graduate school. I am not applying this year. I missed the deadline for the University of Utah and so did not want to waste the money to apply other places when the U is where I really want to go. So I will be in Provo for another two years. I really want to do social work. But once again I feel like I am stuck.

I have no social life. I almost never get to see my friends. Here is my typical day. I get up usually between 9 and 11. I then get ready. Mess around on my computer. If I have any errands, which I rare I do them. I may hang out with my friend Chris for a couple hours, which is rare now a days anyway. I then leave for work by 2. I work from 2:30 to 11. I then go home. Relax by messing around on my computer until like 2. and then go to sleep. Just about every day is the same. On Sundays I go to church, but I have to leave early to get ready for work. Mondays and Tuesdays are my days off. Even then most of my friends are working or too busy to do something. At the times I could spend with my friends they are so starved for time with their spouses that I feel horrible trying to hang out. I usually go shopping on those days.

I guess I feel stuck because I miss my friends. It is hard to make new ones because I work almost every evening. Although I did just make a new one. Shout out to Erin.

I like my job but right now I am considering a change. The only problem is finding a new job with good benefits and that pays the same or more. Which I am not likely to find. Oh well. C'est la vie. I will endure.

On a happier note. I finally got my stained glass hung in my apartment. I need to have a party now and play may millions of games.

Love you all,