When a big shock happens emotions can get tangled up with you not know truly how you feel about it. Take 9/11 for example. When watching the towers burn most people just felt shock; their other emotions fade to the background for an indeterminate amount of time. Then a few minutes, hours, days, or weeks pass by and BOOM!!! Your true feelings hit the pavement and they may not always be what you expect.
On a completely unrelated note that will soon become related. I have come to find that people in Utah have to tolerance for people that think differently than them. They find them strange, evil, weird, scary. But I have also come to find with myself and from others that I happen to be an extremely accepting person. As to why this is the case and how I found this out, I will leave that for a different day.
But now to link to two together. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints the rest of my family were members. Emphasis on the word "were". A few months ago when visiting my brother and sister-in-law with my parents everything came shoving past into the sunlight. Now this was nothing new to me or my brother. This had actually been needing to happen for a long time. It had become the elephant in the room that no one was willing to talk about. We all just stared at the stupid thing waiting for it to tell us what was going on. Well it finally spoke.
During a gospel discussion my Dad started to stray towards more outlying beliefs. He then says, "I pretty much believe that the LDS Church is apostate." Hold the phone. This cannot be the same Dad you taught me about tithing. The same Dad that said "I am not going to force you to go to mutual, but as long as you live in my house you are going to go."(In a very deep fatherly like tone) The same Dad that made me spit out my gum before going to church on fast Sunday. This Dad that is telling me that he and my Mom are leaving the Church. This just could not be that Dad. Okay so my reponse was not quite that dramatic. I did say that I had known about this for a long time. But knowing and hearing are two separate things.
It is one thing to have suspicions from years of conversations with Dad. And it is one thing to hear it from my baby sister and twin brother. But it is entirely different to hear your Dad, your hero, say it. At that point I stopped participating in the conversation and started preparing for when the lightning struck. A little while after that I moved to another room with my sister-in-law where I could still hear but then we would talk about it.
So what does this all have to do with shock and emotions. When this all went down I was conflicted. That is what I told my friends. I felt relieved that the elephant had finally said it's piece. I was happy that my Dad and Mom were no longer hiding. I was sad because now my parents will not get to see me married, when that happens. I was sad because I know the truthfulness of the gospel and it seems that my parents have forgotten. But I knew deep down that those were the feelings that come from shock. I have been trying for months to figure out how I feel. I finally figured it out. . .
I feel angry.
I feel really really angry.
I feel angry because this was hidden from me for so long by my parents. I feel angry that my Mom would even dare to think that I would disown her and my Dad when I "found out", because once again I already knew. For the first time in my life I can truly understand what it means to be disillusioned and I am angry about it. And I am angry that the elephant's cousin has come to visit. Because now that it is out there no one TALKS about it!
So now I need time. Time away from my parents so I don't just start yelling at them. Because even if I can accept what they believe now, I cannot accept being lied to and being deceived for much of my life. I cannot accept that just when I was beginning to form a real relationship with my parents they go and build this ginormous wall between us with little men on top with machine guns saying do not cross. So I am angry. And I really want to find that inner peace. I don't know how long it will take or where it is hidden, but I suspect is that the elephant's cousin is sitting on it and there is only one way to make him move.
Back to the Grind
5 years ago