Dice, Dice, Dice and More Dice.

So I just want to get it out there that I am a nerd. I love to play games, both board and video. I love playing Magic. I love movies. I love music. I love musicals. I love reading. I love cooking. I love arts and crafts. But right now what I love most of all is RPGs. My friends Chris, Miriam, Sam, and Karen and I have two RPGs going at the moment. They are both Star Wars themed. I would love to try a D&D one if anyone has a campaign I can join. The first one is live. We get together about everyother Saturday morning and play. I love it. The second one we play via the internet. It takes forever to play this one but I am starting to like it a lot. I am a true nerd. And I love being one. Now if I could only find someone to be one with me. . .

It has been a while. . .

So I am officially a merited employee for the state of Utah. But a lot of good that does me when I would rather be in graduate school. Currently I feel stuck in my life. I enjoy working at the hospital but I want to do more. I want to help more. I feel so restricted in trying to help. I feel like I am incompetent and con not do my job. Sure I am an awesome tech when it comes to doing groups and to charting and whatever else. But sometimes I feel like I can't do the job I came here to do.

Oh well. As for graduate school. I am not applying this year. I missed the deadline for the University of Utah and so did not want to waste the money to apply other places when the U is where I really want to go. So I will be in Provo for another two years. I really want to do social work. But once again I feel like I am stuck.

I have no social life. I almost never get to see my friends. Here is my typical day. I get up usually between 9 and 11. I then get ready. Mess around on my computer. If I have any errands, which I rare I do them. I may hang out with my friend Chris for a couple hours, which is rare now a days anyway. I then leave for work by 2. I work from 2:30 to 11. I then go home. Relax by messing around on my computer until like 2. and then go to sleep. Just about every day is the same. On Sundays I go to church, but I have to leave early to get ready for work. Mondays and Tuesdays are my days off. Even then most of my friends are working or too busy to do something. At the times I could spend with my friends they are so starved for time with their spouses that I feel horrible trying to hang out. I usually go shopping on those days.

I guess I feel stuck because I miss my friends. It is hard to make new ones because I work almost every evening. Although I did just make a new one. Shout out to Erin.

I like my job but right now I am considering a change. The only problem is finding a new job with good benefits and that pays the same or more. Which I am not likely to find. Oh well. C'est la vie. I will endure.

On a happier note. I finally got my stained glass hung in my apartment. I need to have a party now and play may millions of games.

Love you all,
Sarah

2 Years

I find myself wanting to talk about the last two years. I would be doing this on my blog but unfortunately I have a computer virus that is messing with the websites I am allowed to access. It tells me I am not allowed to go to my blog because it is insecure. So whatever, retarded viruses. But anywho. . .

The last two years. It sounds like I just got done with a mission; which in some ways is true. I guess the last two years was a mission to find myself and to figure out what I believe and what I want. I also guess that it is still going on.

For those of you that are completely at a loss to know what I am talking about, it has been two years since I broke up with Matt, my now ex-fiancée. The 23rd was the day I broke it off and the 24th was the original marriage date.

So what have I learned? I learned that the church is way more important to me than I ever would have guessed. I learned that as much as I would like to be like the rest of my friends and be married I am willing to wait for a person who is worth waiting for; even if it is one of the hardest things I have had to face thus far in my life. I learned that it is okay to be single and I learned that most people don't agree with that. I learned that there are a lot of jerks and sociopaths just waiting to hurt you. I finally learned to stop villainizing the people that hurt me. After all the things I learned about forgiveness before Matt, I still learned more. I learned that sometimes forgiveness can tear open long closed scars and make them ache more than when the wound was fresh. I learned that I am a very unique person. I learned that some people just choose to hate you for no reason. I learned that you either need to accept people for who they are and not try to force change upon them or just leave. I learned that I am beautiful in many ways but not in the society's eyes. I learned that I am not built to live with a female roommate. I learned that I need a place to escape to. I learned that there is nothing wrong with crying, well sometimes. I learned that some days I physically ache to have a child, some day I will, but not today. I learned of the depravity of man, more than I already knew. I learned people can improve. I learned that love can only take you so far, sorry James. I learned that some people want to spite you for the fun of it. I learned that others will do much to help, even when they don't know you. I learned that there is almost no better feeling than having a child care about you. I learned that God loves me, even if I forget it sometimes. I learned that I can feel His arms around me sometimes.

One of the worst things I have learned is . . . that I still miss Matt. I miss playing games all the time and having someone to hug me when I need to cry. I miss having "that person". You know the one. The one you do everything with. The one you can't stand not being near.

One of the best things I have learned is . . . that "that person" is somewhere thinking of me right now, even if he has no idea who I am yet. I am somebody's "that person", or at least I will me. Cheesy I know but it is true. Hopefully I won't have to wait another two years to find him.

So did I learn what I want? I want someone who will love me no matter what. I want someone who will stand by me in hard times. I want someone who will still be going to church with me after 50 years of marriage. I want someone who knows what his priesthood is and how amazing it is to have it. I want someone worthy to and able to give me a blessing. I want someone worthy to take me to the temple and willing to do it often. I want someone who loves kids. Who will work hard to do everything in his power to make me happy, so that I can work hard to make him happy. I want someone who loves to play games, or is at least willing to learn. I want someone who loves and respects his mom, because it means he will love and respect me. I want someone who will try, it does not matter if they fail as long as they try. I want someone who is happy to be with me. Is this too much to ask for? I have a lot of wants, but many are really needs. And most I won't bend on, specifically dealing with the church, I can let a love of games go, but being worthy is non-negotiable.

Lastly, who am I? This is a little harder to figure out. I am a daughter of God. I am unique. I have an opinion about everything and am not afraid to share it. I care about others. I am loud. I am scared to be alone. I am scared of being outside at night by myself. No matter how many self defense classes I take, I will most likely never stop being afraid of being assaulted. Most importantly, I learned that I am loved: by God, by my friends, by my family.

The last two years have not been easy, but they have been worth it. I am happy that I did not marry Matt. I am happy that I have accomplished the things I have. We will see what the next two bring.

It is all fun and games until someone gets hit in the head with a shoe

So work is getting stressful. It feels like my boss never give positive comments to anyone and it is really getting all of the staffs' morale down. We also are very stressed out do to the environment on the unit. Almost none of the kids follow directions. The last few days we have had kids in and out of seclusions all day. We have two 1:1s and one 2:1. It is getting ridiculous. The other kids get no attention because we just don't have the staff to do things. It is getting harder and harder to feel excited about going to work. If my boss walks on the unit all of us hold our breaths until he is gone. I always feel like I am doing something wrong thanks to one of the nurses. But whatever, a job is a job. I am happy to have one.

We will see what happens with Grad School. I have to wait until the end of April to know anything. Part of me does not want to go yet. I want to work longer. But the longer I wait the harder it will be.

I feel as though I have no life outside of work. I spend time with my friends on my days off, but rarely do I do more than sleep and work on the days that I have to go in. I am seriously depressed some days. After Brian screwed everything up I just can't seem to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how I can start trusting people again.

Well like I said. It is all fun and games until someone gets hit in the head with a shoe. I took down three kids today. One of them hit me in the head with a shoe. So there you have it.