There is a new baby!!

Megan had her baby!!! And guess what? She is absolutely gorgeous! I cannot wait to meet you Eliana. Also Megan I am so jealous; I hope I look a pretty as you do after labor.

The stats:

Who Eliana Marie Wells
What 6 lbs. 11 oz., 19 inches
Where Provo
When 3:37 PM
Why Because Megan was pregnant, duh!

Eli, we all love you and hope to meet you soon!

It is time for a happier leaf.

So I realize that ll of my posts up until now have been depressing and sad, as well as full of hate. So ignore those. For now I have decided I am going to be happy if it kills me. I have so much going for me it is ridiculous. I am going to get into Grad School, I have tons of friends, I have a pseudo niece, I am pretty, and generally likable. I am basically amazing, heck I am a daughter of God.

But Yes I am going to be happier from now on. So I encourage all to come and check out this blog every once in a while to catch up on my life.

Have a wonderful day!

Love,
Jez

Why?

I have the sense of dread. I watch people move past and all I feel is negative towards them. I can not help but think that I want to be as far away from them as possible. When people are talking I cannot wait for them to stop. I am alone. I have no one. All the people I know have moved on, never to be seen again. People are mad at me for no reason. I have no idea why. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I want someone to hold me, but there is no one. I can't feel Him anymore. There is a weight that will not lift from my shoulders. I don't know why. That is what is most confusing. I don't know why? I just feel this hatred for those around me and feel like balling at the drop of a hat. I can't take it anymore. I just want it to end. I want to be happy again. God, please come.

Roommate Drama

Let me tell you, there has been some massive roommate drama in the past week. But right now all is well. I talked with one of my roommates and found out some things and she found out some things about me and began to see the problems through my eyes. I found out some things about her and about the roommate that has been the reason for stress and sadness. Things are good at the moment, but part of me thinks that it is just the calm before the storm. Perhaps a freak-out is coming and it will hit this week. Oh well, nothing I can do but lock myself in the storm cellar and wait for the hurricane.

On another note. I have found myself increasingly in need of being held. But the problem is there is no one to hold me. I have some guy friends who woul dhug me if I needed it but they think that when I need a hug I need to have the life squeezed out of me. But all I need is to be held. My other guy friends, who I see more frequently, are not the touchy feely type, or at least we do not have that kind of friendship. But I am tempted to ask for a hug. But who knows, I care about them and they care about me, at least I hope so ;).

Peace-

Love,
Jez

When no one is on the other side. . .

I have found that my group of friends is becoming polarized. On one side there are those who always hang out together and on the other there is a similar group. Now they are all friends, but they don;t seem to want to do things together. I find it hard to be in the middle because I want to be friends with both sides and I want to spend time with both sides, but sadly Albert Einstein is dead and I have no idea how to be in two places at once. So I have a predicament. What do I do? How am I to join these two groups together? I have found no answer, and because of this I can figure out nothing which I can do.

There is yet another polarization. In one group, which is by far the largest, are those who are married and those who are in relationships. One the other side, which includes me, are the single people. Right now the count is more than 10 to about 5. The problem lies in the fact that I have no one and they are never around. I find it awkward to do things with couples when I am the only single person. Yesterday I was at Halloween Party and I was the only sigle person among five other couples. I now sit here alone blogging and watching a movie, because eveyone else is out of town or with someone whom to which they wish not to add a third wheel. So what am I to do? I have found no one of interest who finds interest in me. I feel like crying, and I don't know why, and I have no one to hold me in the mean while. I have guy friends and every time I see them I want a hug, but feel wrong doing so, so I don't ask.

Instead I sit here spilling my heart out to people who do not exist in my reality, nor do they probably care. I meet people who seem like they may have some interest, but how do I know for sure. Because they never act. Do they want me to act first? Are they truely not interested? Are they shy? What do they mean? In time all things shall be known; however, I find that I have increasingly asked for time to jump. Is asking God for something I truely feel is right and what He would want for me a bad thing? It is a sin? Am I asking the wrong question? Or for the wrong thing? I have tried so very hard to do what God would have me do. I know that I will be and am blessed, but sometime I feel as if He asks too much of me. My heart was not broken, it was obliterated, I feel nothing but pain anymore. I have finally forgiven him for what he did, and there are times that I want to hate him, but I find that I cannot discover those feelings anymore. I want to hate him, but I cannot. Now I have no one to hate.

So I just feel anger, sadness, and depression over things I have no control over and over things I have not yet found out. Thus the source of my pain is discovered. I don't know where it is coming from I just know that I would give anything for it to stop. Maybe I need a rebound, maybe I need a husband, all I know, in the words of one of my now married best friends, I need a man. If only to hold me for but a minute.

Love,
Jez