2 Years

I find myself wanting to talk about the last two years. I would be doing this on my blog but unfortunately I have a computer virus that is messing with the websites I am allowed to access. It tells me I am not allowed to go to my blog because it is insecure. So whatever, retarded viruses. But anywho. . .

The last two years. It sounds like I just got done with a mission; which in some ways is true. I guess the last two years was a mission to find myself and to figure out what I believe and what I want. I also guess that it is still going on.

For those of you that are completely at a loss to know what I am talking about, it has been two years since I broke up with Matt, my now ex-fiancée. The 23rd was the day I broke it off and the 24th was the original marriage date.

So what have I learned? I learned that the church is way more important to me than I ever would have guessed. I learned that as much as I would like to be like the rest of my friends and be married I am willing to wait for a person who is worth waiting for; even if it is one of the hardest things I have had to face thus far in my life. I learned that it is okay to be single and I learned that most people don't agree with that. I learned that there are a lot of jerks and sociopaths just waiting to hurt you. I finally learned to stop villainizing the people that hurt me. After all the things I learned about forgiveness before Matt, I still learned more. I learned that sometimes forgiveness can tear open long closed scars and make them ache more than when the wound was fresh. I learned that I am a very unique person. I learned that some people just choose to hate you for no reason. I learned that you either need to accept people for who they are and not try to force change upon them or just leave. I learned that I am beautiful in many ways but not in the society's eyes. I learned that I am not built to live with a female roommate. I learned that I need a place to escape to. I learned that there is nothing wrong with crying, well sometimes. I learned that some days I physically ache to have a child, some day I will, but not today. I learned of the depravity of man, more than I already knew. I learned people can improve. I learned that love can only take you so far, sorry James. I learned that some people want to spite you for the fun of it. I learned that others will do much to help, even when they don't know you. I learned that there is almost no better feeling than having a child care about you. I learned that God loves me, even if I forget it sometimes. I learned that I can feel His arms around me sometimes.

One of the worst things I have learned is . . . that I still miss Matt. I miss playing games all the time and having someone to hug me when I need to cry. I miss having "that person". You know the one. The one you do everything with. The one you can't stand not being near.

One of the best things I have learned is . . . that "that person" is somewhere thinking of me right now, even if he has no idea who I am yet. I am somebody's "that person", or at least I will me. Cheesy I know but it is true. Hopefully I won't have to wait another two years to find him.

So did I learn what I want? I want someone who will love me no matter what. I want someone who will stand by me in hard times. I want someone who will still be going to church with me after 50 years of marriage. I want someone who knows what his priesthood is and how amazing it is to have it. I want someone worthy to and able to give me a blessing. I want someone worthy to take me to the temple and willing to do it often. I want someone who loves kids. Who will work hard to do everything in his power to make me happy, so that I can work hard to make him happy. I want someone who loves to play games, or is at least willing to learn. I want someone who loves and respects his mom, because it means he will love and respect me. I want someone who will try, it does not matter if they fail as long as they try. I want someone who is happy to be with me. Is this too much to ask for? I have a lot of wants, but many are really needs. And most I won't bend on, specifically dealing with the church, I can let a love of games go, but being worthy is non-negotiable.

Lastly, who am I? This is a little harder to figure out. I am a daughter of God. I am unique. I have an opinion about everything and am not afraid to share it. I care about others. I am loud. I am scared to be alone. I am scared of being outside at night by myself. No matter how many self defense classes I take, I will most likely never stop being afraid of being assaulted. Most importantly, I learned that I am loved: by God, by my friends, by my family.

The last two years have not been easy, but they have been worth it. I am happy that I did not marry Matt. I am happy that I have accomplished the things I have. We will see what the next two bring.