What is death?

So I found out about a week and a half ago that my little sister has decided that when she moves out of my parents' house next year she wants nothing to do with the LDS church. I was and am very distraught by this news. But worse was yet to come.

You see I already have two family members that are, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about the church. My oldest brother stopped going to church when he was a teenager. My father believes in some aspects of the church but he does not believe in the actual organization of the church.

I found out the worst part of the situation today. I was at my parents' house and I asked her why she did not want anything to do with the church. She never gave me an answer but she did tell me that she is having her name removed from the records of the church. I almost broke down in tears right then. I managed to make it to my twin brother's room before I started crying. I asked him if he knew why. All he could tell me is that she did not agree with many of the doctrines of the church. He also told me that she does not understand the purpose for the atonement of Christ. She does not agree with the fact that someone else should suffer for her sins. She thinks that she should have to suffer.

I cry for her because she is so angry and unhappy. In the majority of cases when someone leaves the church they become an inactive member. They do not have their name removed from the records. It is as if they know that doing that will affect them, whether actually believe in the church or not. In the case of someone who has their name removed, they are generally very angry and unhappy. I would wish any but this.

I don't know what my sister believes anymore. She is no longer Christian. I don't even know if she believes in a God. For all I know she may be atheist.

I also found out that she does not love me and that she does not love anyone in my family. These are her words and not my extrapolations. I gave her a hug when I left and told her I loved her. She just looked at me. I asked her if she loved me too and all she did was continue to stare. Later she texted me telling me she does not love me and that she has never felt love for any member of our family. She told me that she felt it was wrong to feel love out of an obligation to a family member. To that I ask, is it wrong to someone out of an obligation to mankind? Is it wrong to love someone because they are a fellow person that needs to be cared for? I asked her what love meant to her and she could not tell me. She does not understand love because she has rejected the pure love of Christ.

I can no longer be associated with my little sister. She exudes a negative spirit that is crushing to be around. I cannot let it infect me as I have in the past. I love her so much and I will always pray for her. But I cannot be around her. I cannot be around someone who does not know how to love someone else. I cannot be around someone who claims to have never loved me. I cannot be around someone with the negativity she spreads.

She fell prey to something that many suffer from, including myself: The prideful thought that we must have proof. I was warned long ago that I could one day question myself out of believing that the church was true. That one day faith would no longer be enough for me. When I was younger I needed proof. I needed a perfect knowledge. Those days are no more. Sometimes I still wake up and ask myself why I believe, I tell myself it is because I have faith. Faith in the Lord, faith in Christ, faith in a 14 year old boy, and faith in the fact that God will never lead me astray. My little sister woke one morning and made the decision to no longer rely on faith.

I can truly empathize with Lehi after he saw the vision of the tree of life. He mourned for his lost sons. For Laman and Lemuel, because they willfully disregarded the knowledge and faith that they had to seek after other things. They willingly left the path to enter the great and spacious building. I cry for them. I cry for my sister.

My little sister died today. She made a willful decision to reject the truth that she knew. She could come back, but knowing my sister I know the chances are slim. I pray that one day she will return to the path.

Hiatus

So I have decided that I spend way too much time my computer. And it does not matter what I am doing. But, I have believe that this time spent in virtual space is detrimental to my well being. Thus, I am taking a hiatus from computers. Mean I will not turn on my laptop for two weeks. Neither will I use my roommates' laptops or my friends' computers. The only exception is when I have to do charting for work and check my work email, as that is exceptionally important for me keeping my job. Everything else, on the other hand is not, so I will ne saying good by to virtual world for two weeks starting tonight at 11:59PM.

Love you all,
Sarah

Sometimes Life is Hard. . .

Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently. There are times I wish I were born in a completely different family with completely different values. I think that life would have been a lot easier if I did not have to face all of the temptations that I do. If I did not believe the things that I do. At time like this, I mentally smack myself across the face and say "of course life would have been easier, but would it have been worth it?" The answer to that question is no. If I was not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints then life would have been worth it. Sure it would be easier to not have to worry about some of the temptation I face in my life, but It definitely would not have been worth giving up what I already have. I have amazing friends who love me and want the best for me. I have a family, that may be a little screwed up, but they love me too. I have so many blessings from the Lord that I cannot even begin to count them. I love life, I love my friends and my family, and I love the Lord. I knew that life was going to be hard before I was born.

In my Repentance, Atonement, and Forgiveness institute class we were given a quote that the Prophet Joseph Smith said. In short he said that in the pre-existence Christ was set apart for his calling on this earth by the hands of the Father while his heavenly mother looked on. The point of the quote was to show us that we have a heavenly mother. But I took more from it. Christ was set apart for this calling! He chose it! He knew what he would have to face if he came to this earth to be the savior to the world.

I think that we all made a similar choice. I think that we all knew what could happen to us in this life. I think I knew the hardships I would face before I got here. I know that the Lord knew I could make it through all of the trials I would face; otherwise, he would not have sent me here to this family. I have been through a lot in my short twenty-one years on this earth, but I know I have more to come. I just pray that I will be able to make it through and remain valiant so that I might stand at the foot of my Lord and be accepted by him once again. Every time I fall I will pick myself back up and repent. I will work harder every day to be the best that I can be.

Pray for me please.

-Sarah

Life is Funny Sometimes

So life is extremely interesting sometimes. The cause of this current observation is crushes. Not the crushes that happen when a gigantic object falls on you, though you could compare being smacked in the face by cupids arrow of twitterpation as a gigantic object falling on you. So maybe I am speaking of both. But anywho. . . I have found since the recent break up that crushes are becoming more and more abundant.

I think this has something to do with the fact that I know that this break up was definitely for the best in many, many ways. The most important being that God told me to do it. But I just find it humorous that I have developed crushes on guys so quickly after the event. We are going on about two weeks since "The Incident." However, I don't feel overly sad. I just get lonely sometimes and really hope that the next guy that comes alone is not a complete sociopath. First I had to deal with an un-medicated borderline for a fiancee and then I get to deal with a habitual liar. Well in the word of Brother Barlow: I need an honorable priesthood holder with a job.

-Sarah

The Amazing Life of Following the Lord

So here is how life is going for me at the moment. In the last few month I have started a new job, moved into a new apartment, found a new boyfriends, got hired at another new job, broke up with said boyfriend, and enjoyed every minute of it.

I know that God has a plan for me. I am just a little tired of trying to figure out what it is. I love the Church and always will. I trust the Lord implicitly, sometimes I just wish that it was on my time and not on his.

So first- the new job. I started working at the Utah State Hospital in June. I love it. I am basically a glorified babysitter. It is an amazing job that makes me want to be a therapist even more.

Second- I moved into a new apartment. In the same complex. My roommates are simply amazing. I love them. Finally I have some roommates, that are not my best friends, that rock. We all keep the apartment clean and we all love the church and we all love each other. The apartment has such a good feel about it that sometimes I want to cry out to God with gratitude over this amazing change from my last roomies. Thank you to them if they are reading this.

Third I found a new boyfriend. His name is Brian. I did love him very much. But crap happened and now we are no longer together via my breaking things off. He wants another chance, but I don't know what to do. I hope God has an amazing guy in store for me because I has had a few really bad ones. Brian was pretty good, but struggled in some important ways.

Forth- I got hired onto the Childrens Unit at the Hospital. I work afternoons. I love it so much. It has been my favorite unit since I first went there and now I get to go there every day!!! I love going to work and dealing with children. Looks like I finally picked the right career path.

Fifth- the Break up. I miss having a boy to hold me and for me to hug and kiss. It makes me sad, but I trust that someday I will find someone amazing. I just hope and pray that it is soon. Most of my friends are married or are with someone or pursuing someone. I just want someone to pursue me that is worthy. Is that so much to ask?

I love life. Sometimes it is hard, but I trust that God will guide me as long as I ask him for help. Which I tend to do pretty frequently. So pray for me and if you happen to have an single, attractive, Church loving male friends then hook me up please. ;)

When will it be?

So I am exceptionally happy and extremely depressed all at the same time. In a little over 4 months almost all of my friends will be married. All of my best friends will have gone off and gotten hitched. This is what makes me so happy. I cannot even begin to express the joy I feel for my friends who are already married and those who are soon to be such. I am excited and willing to help with wedding preparations.

I am also happy because my new job starts in a couple of weeks. I will definitely miss relaxing and having to do nothing all day but what can you do. One needs to eat, right? I will be working at the state mental hospital. Hopefully I am the kind of person who will enjoy it. I think I am, but I will not know for sure until I actually start working for them.

So with all of this happiness going on, what could possibly be sending me into a spiral of depression and general witchiness? The simple, and yet entirely cliche, answer is that I really miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I miss the hugs, kisses, and cuddling for sure. But more than that I miss the support. I miss having that one person to talk to and share my thoughts with. That person who will listen even if what I am saying is meaningless. It hurts to see all of my friends with someone. I don't hate any of them for it. I don't resent that they have what I want. I don't even covet it. But it just reminds me of what I no longer have and what I would do anything to get. I am just so very tired from watching others find someone and being supportive when secretly I want to go cry in my room. Especially when every time I try I always get the friend card played. I am fine with gaining friends but it is really getting old. It is just so very hard to watch it and hold back my emotions. I guess the one benefit of it is that I can now control my emotions much better. I can also almost entirely support myself emotionally. I guess I need someone to grow with. I can feel things starting to stagnate and I know that the only thing that can jumpstart it again is a relationship. Sure this can come from a friend, but with most of my friends are otherwise involved, my pickings are slim.

So Happy

So, my roommates have moved out. Finally. I am so happy that they are gone. I have never had a worse set of roommate. They all decided that they hated me for no reason. So whenever I would ask for something I was shot down in the worst way. But whatever. They are gone now. And I have amazing new roommates. One is my best friend Miriam. The other is the amazingly awesome Lindsay. I am happy that Janelle did not get the chance to poison her against me just to spite me. Lindsay rocks and I am so happy that she is one of my roommates for the summer.

I am now officially graduated. I walked last week. It is a little weird to know that I will not be going to classes anytime soon. But at the same time it is awesome. I am officially on my own. My parents cut the cord as I expected them to as soon as I graduated. But as a nice parting gift my dad is going to buy me a pistol for graduating. I haven't decided what kind yet. We shall see. I am way excited to get one though.

On a different note. I am still on the look out for a guy. Sure most girls are not going to admit that they are on the hunt. But I am not most girls. I also am not necessarily looking for a super serious relationship. I would settle for a date right now. Heck, I would settle for a cuddle session. The physical and emotional comfort is what I miss most. I don't know when another guy will come along. I don't feel desperate. It is just that I feel strange being the only single girl in my immediate circle of friends. Most of my friends are either married, engaged, almost engaged, or in a relationship. Few of them are single. And the few that are single are all guys. Oh well. Life goes on and something/someone will come along eventually. Until then it is work and who knows what.

Love you all, and am much happier

-Jez

The Last Straw

I know that I said I was turning over a happier leaf, but the reality is that there is nothing interesting to write about if it is all sunshine and rainbows. And the fact of the matter is that no one care enough about me to even read my blog anyway, so what does it matter if I am mean. Also today was the last straw. It seems so contradictory for me to both love and absolutely hate the people I live with. But I do. I cannot even take it anymore. I have tried to accommodate just about everything. I have compromised and the truth is I think that almost every person I live with is an extremely selfish person that has no idea on this Earth how to actually think of someone else's needs.

I pulled an "all nighter" last night to finish a paper. I was up until 3 in the morning. I decided so as to not wake up my roommate I would be considerate and sleep on the couch, thinking anyone that wakes up early will notice me and be quiet. You think I would have learned by now that this never happens because my roommate only care if they want to be asleep or awake. If they want to stay up then they reserve the right to be as loud as they want not matter what ungodly hour it is. Then if they want to go to sleep then heaven forbid me or anyone else to be loud. If I use the same thing they get pissed off at me. So much for equality and loving others right. Well an hour after I go to bed, 4AM. I am woken up by a roommate that for some reason feels the urge to get up at 4 despite the fact that they went to bed like 4 hours before hand. This roommate then proceeds to shake a bag for 15 minutes and then to eat a bowl of cereal for 45minutes as loudly as they possibly can. Then before going back to their room they decide to bang around the kitchen. I being a complete idiot for trying to be nice and not make them feel bad for waking me up just sit there and try to appear asleep. Once they leave I get up and decide to shower, because at least I can sleep in there. But no as soon I get in the shower this same roommate decides to either turn on their shower, despite the fact that they always shower in the evening, or to turn on the dish washer. This instantly turns my shower ice cold.

Now it is almost 6 in the AM and I only got one hour of sleep. I am sick of this. I am sick of feeling like the only things my roommates care about that is connected to me is my TV and my N64. I am just done with it. I am done with thinking about them and doing the considerate thing. I really don't care if for some reason one of them reads this and is hurt because at least I am doing something they never do. I am thinking about what their reaction is going to be. I am not just obliviously writing this. I know they will be hurt and I really don't care anymore.