There is a new baby!!

Megan had her baby!!! And guess what? She is absolutely gorgeous! I cannot wait to meet you Eliana. Also Megan I am so jealous; I hope I look a pretty as you do after labor.

The stats:

Who Eliana Marie Wells
What 6 lbs. 11 oz., 19 inches
Where Provo
When 3:37 PM
Why Because Megan was pregnant, duh!

Eli, we all love you and hope to meet you soon!

It is time for a happier leaf.

So I realize that ll of my posts up until now have been depressing and sad, as well as full of hate. So ignore those. For now I have decided I am going to be happy if it kills me. I have so much going for me it is ridiculous. I am going to get into Grad School, I have tons of friends, I have a pseudo niece, I am pretty, and generally likable. I am basically amazing, heck I am a daughter of God.

But Yes I am going to be happier from now on. So I encourage all to come and check out this blog every once in a while to catch up on my life.

Have a wonderful day!

Love,
Jez

Why?

I have the sense of dread. I watch people move past and all I feel is negative towards them. I can not help but think that I want to be as far away from them as possible. When people are talking I cannot wait for them to stop. I am alone. I have no one. All the people I know have moved on, never to be seen again. People are mad at me for no reason. I have no idea why. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I want someone to hold me, but there is no one. I can't feel Him anymore. There is a weight that will not lift from my shoulders. I don't know why. That is what is most confusing. I don't know why? I just feel this hatred for those around me and feel like balling at the drop of a hat. I can't take it anymore. I just want it to end. I want to be happy again. God, please come.

Roommate Drama

Let me tell you, there has been some massive roommate drama in the past week. But right now all is well. I talked with one of my roommates and found out some things and she found out some things about me and began to see the problems through my eyes. I found out some things about her and about the roommate that has been the reason for stress and sadness. Things are good at the moment, but part of me thinks that it is just the calm before the storm. Perhaps a freak-out is coming and it will hit this week. Oh well, nothing I can do but lock myself in the storm cellar and wait for the hurricane.

On another note. I have found myself increasingly in need of being held. But the problem is there is no one to hold me. I have some guy friends who woul dhug me if I needed it but they think that when I need a hug I need to have the life squeezed out of me. But all I need is to be held. My other guy friends, who I see more frequently, are not the touchy feely type, or at least we do not have that kind of friendship. But I am tempted to ask for a hug. But who knows, I care about them and they care about me, at least I hope so ;).

Peace-

Love,
Jez

When no one is on the other side. . .

I have found that my group of friends is becoming polarized. On one side there are those who always hang out together and on the other there is a similar group. Now they are all friends, but they don;t seem to want to do things together. I find it hard to be in the middle because I want to be friends with both sides and I want to spend time with both sides, but sadly Albert Einstein is dead and I have no idea how to be in two places at once. So I have a predicament. What do I do? How am I to join these two groups together? I have found no answer, and because of this I can figure out nothing which I can do.

There is yet another polarization. In one group, which is by far the largest, are those who are married and those who are in relationships. One the other side, which includes me, are the single people. Right now the count is more than 10 to about 5. The problem lies in the fact that I have no one and they are never around. I find it awkward to do things with couples when I am the only single person. Yesterday I was at Halloween Party and I was the only sigle person among five other couples. I now sit here alone blogging and watching a movie, because eveyone else is out of town or with someone whom to which they wish not to add a third wheel. So what am I to do? I have found no one of interest who finds interest in me. I feel like crying, and I don't know why, and I have no one to hold me in the mean while. I have guy friends and every time I see them I want a hug, but feel wrong doing so, so I don't ask.

Instead I sit here spilling my heart out to people who do not exist in my reality, nor do they probably care. I meet people who seem like they may have some interest, but how do I know for sure. Because they never act. Do they want me to act first? Are they truely not interested? Are they shy? What do they mean? In time all things shall be known; however, I find that I have increasingly asked for time to jump. Is asking God for something I truely feel is right and what He would want for me a bad thing? It is a sin? Am I asking the wrong question? Or for the wrong thing? I have tried so very hard to do what God would have me do. I know that I will be and am blessed, but sometime I feel as if He asks too much of me. My heart was not broken, it was obliterated, I feel nothing but pain anymore. I have finally forgiven him for what he did, and there are times that I want to hate him, but I find that I cannot discover those feelings anymore. I want to hate him, but I cannot. Now I have no one to hate.

So I just feel anger, sadness, and depression over things I have no control over and over things I have not yet found out. Thus the source of my pain is discovered. I don't know where it is coming from I just know that I would give anything for it to stop. Maybe I need a rebound, maybe I need a husband, all I know, in the words of one of my now married best friends, I need a man. If only to hold me for but a minute.

Love,
Jez

No Understanding

So I have no understanding when it comes to people. Maybe I am just completely and utterly socially inept. But I don't seem to understand them. I don't know how to interact with them without saying something rude. I don't know how to interpret what they are saying or how they are saying it. Well, social Darwinism says that I will not make it that far if I can't figure it out. So we will see if I last another year.

Where?

So where is it? Could someone please tell me? Where the hell is it and why can't I find it? If this were paper and the ink, it probably would not be readable through the tears. I have found that I have no place. I fit no where. I have tried and my puzzle piece does not fit in the world I live in. I am a stranger looking in. You know those old stories where they have that one kid looking through the window while all the other kids are having fun at someone's birthday party? Well I am the kid on the outside looking in.

Don't get me wrong I have friends, quite a few actually. They care about me, I know that. But the reality is I still don't feel like I fit. Apparently I have no one to relate too. As hard as I try I just can not get along with people. Even when I don't do anything upsetting. I don't fit.

For once I was looking forward to sharing a room. Generally your roommate and you tend to get along and you become friends. Well that has never happened with me. My first roommate used me as an excuse to get out of the dorms, basically saying I was psychotic. So I left the apartment because the other roommates didn't look at me the same. The next roommate and I were cordial, but no connect. Then I had a single room and I watched through the window as my other roommates in the shared room became best friends, one was already my friend. Then I move in with my best friend and now we hardly speak to each other. We are still friends, but things changed that year, and now it feels like she hates me half of the time. Then it wass back to the single room. My two other roommates were already best friends and I did not really mesh all that well. They don't return my calls anymore, but really almost no one does anymore. Now I am in an apartment, in a shared room all to myself. It was nice at first, but not so much anymore. At least one of my roommates hates me for it. Did I ask for it? No. Did I plan it? No. I just never got a roommate. Two are sisters, needless to say they stick together. The other two became fast friends. Which leaves me. I have no one, and I have no place in my own apartment. I can't spend the time at friends' because they are either busy with their spouses or out with their special someones, or see me way too often and I don't really want to make them hate me for being around.

So instead I spend time on campus, in class, at the library, or locked in my room. I have tried to bond with my roommates, but I do not know what I can do. My bishop challenged me to do something, but I don't see anything good coming from it. Will they not hate me. The only thing I am good for in my own apartment is providing a tv, a dvd player, and an N64 to play with. They won't even play it with me.

I don't fit. I am in the wrong puzzle and have no where else to go. Is it time to cut strings? No, I love my friends even if I am not part of their picture. Maybe if you hit me hard enough I will fit.

Love,
Jez

Death to exes

So I have an ex. Who doesn't? Well the issue is, that every time I think that I have finally forgiven him for hurting me so badly, I realize no I still want him dead. I keep praying to God that I will forgive him. That I can be happy again. That I can find someone. That he, yes I even pray for the jerk, will find joy. Because if I don't then I will never be able to stop myself from hating him. I grew so much in that relationship, but I really don't know if I would have done it over again knowing the way it would turn out and how much it would hurt. It has been 6 months to the day since I broke his heart after he broke mine. It has been almost 12 months since we had decided to get married. I have not met anyone else. I have not been on a single date. Maybe I never will. But I just want to stop feeling the pain. I want to stop feeling alone. I am normally cheery. But today is not the day for that. I get to go pretend in 15 minutes for my students. But come on, who can be happy on a day like today.

Death to the exes, or at least to their memories. Please stop making me cringe.

Love, sniffle,
Jez

Sad Day

So I am seriously sad. For those that know me, you know that one of my favorite things in this world is earrings. I have a fetish for them. I love nothings more than a cute pair. Well today was a sad day. I lost one half of my favorite pair. I searched for an hour and could not find it. I looked and looked, but to no prevail. The worst part is that I have no idea how it happened. One minute I am walking onto campus and the next thing I know I touch my ear and there is no earring in it. I am so incredibly sad. I cannot find another pair online. I believe that the company that made them no longer does. I feel like crying. All I need is one. Does anyone have one Brighton Spellbound Smoky Quartz Hoop Earring? I would do anything for it.

Love, sniff,
Jez

The Head Nod

So not going to lie, I have a bunch of guy friends, probably more guys friends than girls friends. I also hang out with them a lot. So the fact is I get to know them. And I mean really get to know them. I see and hear things they probably would not do or say around girls they were actually interested in. Which is great, don't get me wrong, I quite enjoy it. I prefer total honesty, plus what they do or say generally makes me laugh. Such as the following event.

One of my friends, who shall remain anonymous, has come to me multiple times for advice in the girl department. Usually he wants to know what a girl means when she does are says this or that. I will give him advice, but he feels that much of what I say he already knows. So I think he just wants confirmation from a girl that that is what he should do next. Well, the funniest thing that I think happens is when he and my other guy friends try and figure out what girls mean. There is this girl he is interested in and has asked out a couple of times, but he still has no clue about what she thinks about him. Today she gave him the dreaded head nod. Which is apparently a very guy thing to do, go figure. And the only time girls do this is when they are not interested because apparently it means, "I see you, I recognize you, but I am not going to make the effort to talk to you," in other words, "I am not interested."

This was news to me. I do the head nod all the time. Doesn't mean I don't think the guy is attractive or worth my time. But of course I do it when they are far away and there is really no way to talk to them. She did it right next to him after he waved and said hi.

Well she was not worth his time. I am sure he will find someone eventually, good luck, friend who shall remain nameless.

Love,
Jez

Talk, Talk, Talk , Talk , Talk. . .

How hard is it for people to stop talking when asked politely to do so?

Friends and Libraries (completely unrelated)

First on libraries. . .

Honestly how hard is it to either check out a book or return it to the circulation desk. I hate trying to find something to use on a paper and being unable to get the book from the library. It is one thing if it were checked out because then I have some hope of getting it one day. But it makes me so angry when someone decides to hide it so no one else can use it. Come on people we are no longer in elementary school. We should know how to share.

Second on friends. . .

So don't you hate it when one of your friends decides that they no longer want to be your friend, but they have forgotten to tell you this. This results in you continuing to try to call them and see if they want to do something. Really if you don't want to do something with a person then just tell them to their face, "hey, you know I find that we are moving in different directions in our lives and I really don't want to be your friend anymore." How hard is that to say?

Constantly telling them that you are busy with homework does not cut. Because guess what? They know other people that know you, and these other people tell all about how the other night, when you were supposedly at home suffering from an over abundance of homework, you were actually out until 2 AM watching a movie and playing games with them.

Huh? How stupid do you think that I am? I got the clue the first time you said, "hey I'm busy but I will call you in the next couple of days to set things up," and then you didn't call. To be honest I gave you the benefit of the doubt that time so I followed through when you fell through the floor. I got "sorry, I am just swamped with homework, I will totally do something with you next weekend I don't have anything due." Next weekend rolls around and you are off gallivanting with your boy toy and other mutual friends.

Well this is to say we are through. You were one of my best friends, but if you don't care enough to maintain a relationship with a close friend, then so be it. If your boyfriend is more important than spending one night out of 30 with your best friend, then so be it. If your idea of hanging out is having dinner with twelve other people and interrupting me in mid-sentence after you were the one asking the question so that you can go talk to someone else that you can barely tolerate, then so be it. If you feel like your life would be better off without your best friend of over two years, then so be it. I am done.

Enjoy life, make the most of it, hopefully you will have friends in the future.

Love,
Jez

The Male Persuasion

Is it just me or are men utterly confusing. I have a lot of guy friends and at the moment no boyfriend. I spend a lot of time with my guy friends. We watch movies, play games, go out for food, or just sit around and talk. I love it. But at the same time I hate it.

You see there is nothing worse then constantly seeing these great guys and being so frustrated that neither you nor them can find someone to be with. I spend tons of time with them. I have to say that they are pretty attractive. They are also great guys. And I find it so frustrating when they tell me about the dates they go on and the jerky girls that they meet. There are times that if I were to meet these girls I would have punched them in the face.

I am one of their only girl friends so they come to me for advice about girls and what we mean and how they know if we are interested. Half the time I have no clue what to tell them. I just know how I feel and how I would act.

But I find guys completely confusing just like they find girls that way. I have no idea what they are thinking. I know how they will react a lot of the time, but that does nto tell me what they are thinking. How the heck do you know if one likes you or not or is just being friendly. I find myself immediately doing a ring check everytime a talk to some guy on campus. And it seems that at least where I hang out all of the good ones are taken. I just want to find someone, just like everyone else. Sometimes I wish that God had told me who I was going to marry so it would not be to darn hard to find someone who I can be happy with.

I had someone who I thought would fit but our puzzle pieces did not quite match up. that was six months ago. I have not had a single date since then. All I do I go to class, do homework, and chill with friends. I have no idea where to even start. I am not one of those girls who goes out on a limb and asks a guy out. I was not raised that way. I also don't like rejection, but who does? Plus I am sick of trying so hard. (my ex was the laziest man I have ever met)

And that leads me to my predicament. I have no clue what a guy means when he does or says things. Am I too good at the sarcastic banter that men seem to love so much? I wish there were some kind of sci-fi-ish universal translator that could translate man talk into girl speak. Life would be so much easier.

Love,
Jez

What's in a name?

As an explanation for why I chose the name and URL that I did.

First, a couple of years ago I used to keep a journal semi-religiously. Then I found writing too slow for my thoughts. So I began to keep one on my laptop. This too became too tedious. So I began to publish notes on social networking sites. But I found that there I could not really say all that I wanted because I risked offending people who I do care about, but who I sometimes needed to rant about. I need to do this somewhere in the public world that was visible to others but less visible than facebook. And so I created this blog.

Dithyrambic Ranting. . .

The URL for this blog is dithyrambicranting.blogspot.com. "Dithyrambic" generally means happy things such as boisterous, elevated, and euphoric. But to be more in line with the purpose of this blog I will look to another definition: "unrestrained." I will be expressing myself and how I feel about things openly and truthfully, without restraint.

This also serves as a warning. If you read my blog, they may be about you. Don't take it personally, I will use no real names. Also once I have written about you are most likely forgiven.
This is the only way I know how to express how people make me feel without hurting them.

Love,
Jez